Drawing Manga--Starting from Scratch

Oh, dear, sweet Jesus, it's been too long since I blogged!

Somehow I don't think readers think it's okay to hear from a blogger once a year, so I know I've been lame, lame, lame.

No excuse. I freely admit I've been utterly lame.

Unfortunately, in my ambition to see another version of my books in print, I've discovered another way I am totally lame: drawing.

Now, I used to be an artist. I really did. I especially loved watercolors, pastels, and pen and ink. But I am woefully out of practice (rather the same way I'm out of practice with the piano for at least the last two years). I want to create a manga version of one of my novels, though, so I'm trying to get back to it.

But I'm awful.

No, truly. I've read studies about the learning continuum, which contend that at the beginning of learning a skill, people have an unrealistic idea of how good they are... but as they learn more, they become far more aware of how much they don't know, how much they cannot do, and their perception of their skills lowers astronomically.

That's kind of where I am in many of my activities. Oh, I'm very good at some things:

1. Teaching
2. Sewing
3. Zumba

I'm somewhat good (developing) at some things, mainly because I practice them, though I am all too aware of my limitations with each one:

1. Writing
3. Parenting

I'm wretched at other things (because of not practicing them), and thoroughly discouraged about whether I'll ever be good at these:

1. Drawing
2. Playing Piano
3. Singing
4. Marketing myself

I'm woefully and hopelessly incapable of learning some things:

1. Gracefulness
2. Lack of bias in politics
3. Charisma
4. Confidence

The first section includes three activities I practice constantly (though sewing is far easier than teaching). They have immediate rewards, too. Teaching and Zumba have daily rewards, mainly stemming from students and their positive response to classes. Sewing gives rewards in the form of finished products, like costumes, clothing to wear, quilts, pillows, and other lovely things. These immediate payoffs mean I have more motivation to keep working on them.

With the second list--including the writing and parenting--I work at these constantly, in so many ways, but I'm only good enough to have figured out just how much I still lack in skill. Not being really good at them makes me sad, especially since both are so important to me (parenting especially). Still, because both are so important to me that I continue to work on them, despite how often they give me nothing in return.

The fourth list I've just resigned myself to not being good at (and living with my limitations in a peaceful way despite how clearly I see my own shortcomings). As I tell myself, though, I can't be perfect, and these are the daily reminders to me of how little I am.

The THIRD list is the most crucial one, though, and the hardest one to face. These three activities are all meaningful to me, but I am all too aware of how terrible I am at each one. Will they ever become something I am good at? Or will I work and work on them only to realize that they belong in list #4? At this point, I don't know.

What I do know is it's time to face them--and to start the practice that might someday make them perfect. Starting with the drawing.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. I might even post some scanned copies of some of my drawing attempts (even the lame ones) so that you can see how awful I am.

What about you? What would you put on each list?

Snarky Voices

Some people have their own cheering section. You know these people. Perhaps you are one of these people, but you'll never admit it. These are the people who go out for American Idol and insist to the world that they are the best singers EVER. And they stink. Absolutely stink. But they have no understanding of singing, or what it takes to sing well, and cannot hear how horrid they are.

These are the ones who don't understand why they don't just "get" grades they want. Why don't people see how smart they are? Why don't people recognize their brilliance, and all rally behind them because they are, simply put, AWESOME? These people are frustrated when others don't simply agree with them. After all, they are ALWAYS RIGHT.

Hubris. Gotta love it.

I think it spreads around a lot more than we are willing to admit.

But then, I wouldn't know. I'm so far from hubris it's amazing I'm still trying. Sure, these self-assured people can get annoying, but it would be nice to BE one of these people, if only for a day.

I got the snarky voices instead. The critical ones who don't stop talking even when I relax at the piano keys. Who grumble even when I actually do make some headway on my novel revisions. I'm wondering more and more whether I am just schizophrenic, if these voices are a manifestation of my own insanity.

All I know is they won't stop talking, and they don't say anything nice.

Where do they come from? Every corner of my life. Every stray negative comment. Sure, I can block them out, but not completely. I can argue with them, or take action despite their derision, but I still hear them. That is why I am ultra cautious about what I tell others. I don't want to contribute to their own voices… at least not the way I contribute to my own.

But I will continue to fight them. I will keep writing, keep painting, keep drawing, and keep writing, despite all they say. I will never give up.